


on the up & up

by coldera



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Porn, Size Kink, do you ever wonder what youre doing w ur life, hm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 14:13:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14262747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldera/pseuds/coldera
Summary: from the kinkmeme:blue is a size queen and keeps ordering zero bigger and bigger penises





	on the up & up

**Author's Note:**

> lmao i have no apologies. please take this unapologetic porn, I think I'm allergic to plot

The change wasn't noticeable at first. Blue famously liked to update every piece of Zero's equipment... even if it was only used for recreational purposes. So when he got the replacements, he usually just wrote it off as Blue being the perfectionist he always was.  
  
But one night Zero came home, yawning, after a firefight, and a package lay on top of his bunk. An interestingly shaped package. Even though he'd gotten a replacement last week.  
  
Without even thinking first, he sent a message to Blue.  
  
0: already?  
blu: shut up and just put it on  
0: wow.  
0: didn't know you had a kink for firefights  
blu: i don't. put it on.  
  
Zero contemplated sending a further message, but decided not to. Instead, he opened the new part, removing his previous dick to replace it.  
  
When he put his old one down on the bed to check out the new one, though, there was one difference.  
  
A very *interesting* difference.  
  
He flicked open the messenger to say something to Blue, but decided against it. This was something best to bring up mid act, when Blue least expected it.  
  
Because his new dick was at least 4 cm longer and much wider at the base than his previous member. And that hadn't been a request from his end. As he installed it, he wondered vaguely if Blue knew this was a kink... or if he was explaining it to himself in a different way. If there was one thing the Minister was good at, after all, it was lying to himself.  
  
In fact, as he pulled up schematics of his previous parts in his visor, it was now almost double the size of what his first dick had been. How long had Blue been having him get bigger?  
  
Yes, this was sure to be interesting. Zero grinned, pulling his pants back on, as he headed to Blue's office. He was going to get to the bottom of this. And it was going to be delicious watching Blue squirm.  
  
\---------------------------------------------------------

Blue was midway through composing a stress orchestral mid-century piece (what was Zero doing, anyway, bothering him with messages when he was just doing his job) when the door swung open.  
  
"I'm busy," he said. "Which you should know, since I've got a do not disturb sign on the door and everything."  
  
"I'm sorry, is the new dick not a booty call?"  
  
He sighed, putting his pen down and looking up at Zero. "You can't just *say* that, we have people around here. Aava could walk by at any moment, she already knows too much. Or Synox could walk in. Do you know how much damage control I have to do with him already? He tried to give me the *sex talk* yester-"He found himself, abruptly, too distracted to speak.  
  
Zero was on his lap. Zero. Was on his lap. The rolling chair slid backwards, clacking across the custom made hardwood floors of the bluebird and coming to a stop as they ran into the wall.  
  
Zero was straddling him, the warmth of him leaking through clothes and seeming to rush through Blue's bloodstream, turning his cheeks pink as he reached up to grab Zero's shirt, fingers creeping onto skin on Zero's lower back.  
  
"You know very well," Zero said, voice pitched low, "that I locked the doors. You pay me for it, actually."  
  
Blue felt a burgeoning erection battling with annoyance. The erection won, because when he had a lap full of bodyguard he usually just rolled with it. Even if Zero was insubordinate and usually a pain in the ass...  
  
Well. He was, sometimes, sort of into the whole pain in the ass thing. Although he'd die before Zero ever caught him at it.  
  
While he was working through this mentally, Zero had been taking his glasses and tie off: a metal thumb slipped into his mouth as Zero lay the tie over his eyes. Blue licked over a synthetic fingernail, letting his cheeks hollow as Zero blindfolded him, doing the knot with one hand. It was an acquired skill.  
  
Once the blindfold was on securely, Zero backed off, thumb popping out of Blue's mouth. There were two clicks, then a hiss: then Blue felt Zero's mouth on his, sharp teeth scraping over his lip just gently enough to not pierce the skin. He was minister of propaganda, after all. He couldn't let anyone catch him having too much fun.  
  
Blue let himself melt into it, fingers working blindly to take off Zero's jacket as Zero unbuttoned his shirt. They came apart after a few seconds: he could feel Zero pressing against his thigh, obviously just as interested in this as he was. They broke apart to breathe. Blue let himself imagine Zero, flushed and disheveled.  
  
"I'm starting to think you're the one with a firefight fetish," he said, grinning as he panted. Zero just laughed.  
  
"I don't think there's a bounty hunter out there that doesn't get off on it at least a little." There was a nip at his neck. "But no. I just thought you might want to test-drive your new... prototype."  
  
Blue felt himself flush again, although it was hard to tell if it was from annoyance or lust. As usual, it was probably both. He was starting to feel like he'd never be able to enjoy normal sex again- this mixture of mockery and shamelessness was hard to replicate.  
  
"Oh? Well, I do need to check some things. You never know if the connection is strong enough." He palmed at the bulge in Zero's pants. "You sure you're getting sensory feedback?"  
  
A sharp inhale from Zero, then the sound of a jacket getting taken off. His lap was suddenly much colder than it had been as Zero stood up. "Take off your pants," Zero said. "We should take this on a ride."  
  
"Well, since you asked so nicely," Blue drawled. He stood up, kicking his pants off and dragging his boxers down, and pulled out the drawer in his desk that held the lube. He knew where it was by memory: he and Zero had office sex much more than he'd really prefer. The sheets in his quarters were much better than carpet.  
  
"Zero," he said. "Where are my glasses?"  
  
"Are you trying to make notes during sex again? You know how I feel about notes." Zero took the lube out of Blue's hand, his flesh fingers probing into Blue a few seconds later. Blue held back a gasp.  
  
"We need to have sex in my quarters more often," he said. "I had them specially designed. Also, there's a cafrig."  
  
"Not my fault you never sleep." Another finger brushed against Blue's prostrate: he felt his hips thrust forward, almost out of his own control. "Otherwise I might feel the need to make more... security inspections."  
  
"You can't make security inspections sexy, Zero," said Blue, who was in fact definitely turned on by the idea. "I keep telling you. Work and play need to stay separated."  
  
"Sure. That's why my dick's so big." There was a pause. Blue felt himself freeze. "Professional courtesy."  
  
There were a few seconds of dead silence. Zero's fingers came out of Blue with a pop, replaced with something that just hovered at his entrance. Blue got the horrible feeling that Zero wasn't going to do anything until he came clean.  
  
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," he said. A hand traced down his back.  
  
"What, you think I don't look down at myself occasionally? I compared the metrics. Someone's been getting greedy."  
  
Blue licked his lips. Zero's upgrade prodded at his entrance, tantalizingly wide. There were a few more seconds of drawn out silence, then Blue coughed. "Not greedy, just... expanding my experience."  
  
There was an actual laugh from Zero. "Little minister blue, a size queen. I should have known. You're always wanting to make things bigger and better."  
  
Blue couldn't respond. He was too distracted by the feeling of Zero's new member pressing at his prostrate without Zero even moving.  
  
Zero. Wasn't. Moving. After a few milliseconds, it became torturous. Blue felt himself whining, held down and braced against the desk by the cool metal of Zero's hand.  
  
"Oni, please." Zero's other hand was on top of his on the desk, real flesh fingers pressing against his. Blue pressed back at any contact he could get, any feeling. After a few more minutes of pressure, Zero finally moved, pressing inwards like a foregone conclusion. Just like always, it was a perfect fit, so big it was almost painful.  
  
Blue held back a scream, just moaning as Zero thrust again, the lash of his hips seeming like a mockery. The extra thickness had been an *excellent* decision. "Sorry I'm going so slow," he whispered into Blue's ear. "I was afraid I'd be too big for you."  
  
A whimper escaped Blue's mouth. The lack of friction on his dick was killing him as he thrust into open air, caught up in a rhythm with Zero that seemed to be too slow and somehow too fast, forcing him into endless stimulation.  
  
Blue loved it.  
  
He came with a cry, not realizing it until he was panting. Zero thrust a few last times, his member going limp as he pulled out. Blue closed his eyes behind the blindfold, still panting. Zero dragged another hand down his back, almost caring, before he walked off, feet clacking on the floor. He never took his boots off. Jerk.  
  
When he came back, though, he had a washcloth, and Blue could hear him wiping down the desk as Blue pulled his pants on. After a few minutes, he heard a click.  
  
"Am I free to see, then?"  
  
"Take it off, minister." There was a hidden smirk in Zero's voice, but when Blue pulled the blindfold off there was only a row of >>>>>>s on the visor. The asshole must have been shirtless beneath his jacket, too, because his muscles were on full display.  
  
"Zero, please tell me you didn't walk through the halls shirtless," Blue said. He pulled his shirt back on, buttoning it up as he re-did his tie. Zero just laughed.  
  
"Please. I buttoned it up. No one knows except you and me."  
  
"Sure."  
  
But Blue still let himself get pulled in close, licking at Zero's neck just below the helmet before he stood up straight again and tried to fix his hair. "How did it even get like this," he said, trying to be annoyed through the rush of post-coital hormones. No luck, though. He was still infatuated.  
  
"I don't know," said Zero, hands sliding into his pockets. "Should we head to your bedroom and see if we can find out?"  
  
Blue looked back at the paperwork on his desk, then considered the bodyguard in front of him.  
  
Work could wait. There was time for a cup of caf before he'd be ready to go again... and Blue was certainly thirsty.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> BONUS:
> 
> When Zero woke up from his post sex nap, sufficiently rested for a good while, it was to a notification from his comm.
> 
> Aava: you could have the good manners to turn your audio transmitter off, you know.  
> Aava: synox is having a conniption.  
> 0: you're telling me you don't think it's funny?  
> Aava: oh, of course I do. But you're taking the blame for it.  
> 0: oh no, wonder how I'll make it up to blue....
> 
>  
> 
> \------------
> 
>  
> 
> Sure. It was funny.
> 
>  
> 
> But when Zero had to sit through six powerpoints about sexual safety and the existence of kinks, some of the humor got lost. Just as he lost his game of pong *again*- it was hard to work with your pupils when dicks kept showing up on a wide screen- he looked over at Blue.
> 
> Who was bright pink. But was also looking very intrigued at the diagram on screen.
> 
> Projected in front of them was some poor model all tied up, ball gag and the works. Zero sent Blue a message when Synox seemed sufficiently distracted.
> 
> 0: looking for more adventure?  
> 0: you kinky fuck.  
> blu: might be interesting.  
> 0: not gonna claim i've never dreamed of you finally shutting up  
> blu: now, see, I was thinking it could be the other way around...
> 
> Behind the visor, Zero grinned, his emoji still a very respectful uwu. This was going to work out after all.
> 
> He'd have to send Synox an edible bouquet.
> 
> \--------------


End file.
